My mummy told me once before that food poisoning is the second worst thing than the feeling of bloatedness and morning sickness from pregnancy. As I blog this, I am suffering from food poisoning, this would be the second day so far.

Friends: I feel much better than I did yesterday, but running to the toilet several times a day is not a good thing.

Bloggers: You’ll be pleased to know I somehow managed to attend 2 meetings over the past 2 days without puking on any clients. Not the best thing for me to be out and about with food poisoning, but this few days have been pretty good for sales (broke the Advertlets sales record recently), so felt I just had to keep it up.

I remember the last time I was down with food poisoning. I was probably down for about 3 days in total. Couldn’t drive, couldn’t get up, couldn’t even use a computer and could hardly talk on the phone. And guess what, I got food poisoning from McDonald’s of all places. Confirmed case - the other person I had breakfast with (a pretty girl, though that detail is not necessary to the story) also had food poisoning. After that I stopped taking the McD’s breakfast for a year. Then I started again la, since it’s hard to resist…

But recovery seems much much faster this time - couldn’t eat solid food for the first day, but today I had solid food and my appetite is back. Attended meetings, did up proposals, answered some e-mails and calls. And the other half of the time when I feeling too sick to get up, managed to lie down with my netbook to download clips on Youtube, check out some TV series, and look at funny cat pictures on on my Streamyx connection. (Which is pretty fast in my area actually - check out this speed test I ran).

Oh, and best part I seem to have lost 1KG in just a day. Haha!

Anyway, thought I’ll share this with you - largely I think a faster recovery this time around is because I think I’ve found a combination of stuff that works, so you might want to give this a try…

First tip: Don’t vomit in the sink. Vomit in the toilet bowl. You don’t wait to block up your sink.

Now, on to the medicines!

This picture below reminds me of what a certain blogger used to blog about before appearing in a certain Malay paper Nah, these are just normal prescription medications, you can get them from any clinic.

All of these work together to make you less dehydrated, and not feel so nauseous. That’s it for the Western medicine.

On to the Chinese medicine!

These are ‘Poh Chai’ pills. I’m not sure if this is their intended function, but they make me puke instantly - like 1-3 seconds afterwards. I had four of them over 5 hours, and felt much better. They come in ‘buckshot’ like containers, each little pellet dissolves quickly when you drink it with water. Suggest you take this in the bathroom, if you’re going to have a reaction like me.

This is…Ya-Hom Powder Five Pagodas Brand. A friend brought this over to me, together with a few cans of 100plus. Felt much better after that. He said usually one is enough. It really works.

Here’s a close up of how the paper looks when unwrapped (also, in case you need to ask for it in Thai or Chinese)

I also have no idea why they are packaged to resemble ammunition.

Hopefully you never have to get food poisoning, but if you do, try this combination and let me know if it works!

Lastly, if you are currently suffering from food poisoning, here’s something to cheer you up…

Q: What’s worse than puking from your mouth and diarrhea from your ass all day long?
A: Imagine if you had diarrhea from your mouth instead…

Eat safe!

So yeah. This is a rather “special edition” of Ask Josh. Seeing that I’m high on champagne, and I was just asked this less than 3 hours ago.

Anyway, some background: The setting is a club in KL. A clubbing friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while was lying on a sofa, flat. She was somewhat conscious, and got up as I approached, to my surprise.

Image from "alexsk" on Flickr

Let’s say that she’s hot, curvy, dressed in a shining dress, and looking better than I’ve ever seen her before.

Anything else would reveal who it is. Which isn’t my intent.

We talked a while earlier. I asked her about her impending marriage. And well, apparently her fiancee wasn’t her fiancee anymore for good reason.

I haven’t seen her in about a year, the last I heard was that she was about to get married. Guess I’ve been pretty outdated.

And well, it seemed that she had moved on, which was good - but well, it wasn’t exactly reciprocal.

She seemed pretty upset. Maybe tipsy. Maybe both. And, uninitiated, she said: “Josh, sit down.”

I sat down beside her on the maroon couch.

“I got something to say. You know Josh, I’ve known you for a while. And I don’t know why, but I have to tell you something. I’m pretty upset, and there’s this guy I like”.

And apparently, the guy was there earlier on at the club.

“I really like him. And we’re good friends. But he’s with someone. And she really doesn’t deserve him!”.

I asked why.

“She’s pretty possessive. And, you know, the worst part is I know the girl. And I was taking care of her as she was drunk”.

“And, she treats him like shit. I was in the toilet with her, and she was slapping him, raising all sorts of fuss….and he even had to apologize to me, saying ‘I’m sorry you had to see that’.”

What I said to her next is probably one of the best, and in a way, worst advice that I’ve given before. Let’s keep in mind that I have never drank this much champagne in one night before. And I am feeling the effects still, as I write this.

This was what I said.

If you’re a woman, pay special attention. If you’re a man, nod your head silently as you acknowledge the simple truth. Either way, leave a comment if you think this is true.

I decided to reveal to her the secret of men:

“We’re pretty damn simple, seriously. ”

Since the lady sounded like quite the bitch, oh well. Let’s help her steal him, shall we? Said I to myself.

So I told her: You know what? Let me tell you something.

Men are not complex creatures. We do not necessarily dwell on emotions, and to tell the truth, we can be very easily confused.

Take him out, have a night out. You’re good friends, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Put it this way. He’s probably been with her for a while. And you know what? She’s the nagging “wife”. You’re the available and attractive “mistress”. You’re the friend he’s going to complain to about her. And as long as you’re simply there, you have the advantage of being the one that he can approach without stress, to be understood, to be there for him.

Here’s the evil part.

Get him out. Get him tipsy. Get him to down a few shots.

And when you’re dancing on the floor, or lounging next to each other, as you’re whispering in his ear…blow into it. Grab him. Lick. Kiss him. Have your way with him. Anything after that is up to your imagination, and accommodation available to do whatever you have in mind.

And whether in the next few seconds, or the morning after, the sheer physical sensation of something, pleasant, new and unexpected is going to leave him confused about his feelings for her - and a little more sure about his feelings for you.

Remember you’re the “mistress”, not the “wife.” You have the advantage.

And, well, we’re men. We don’t need fucking flowers. Or a heartfelt confession or a love note. It’s really easier than that. Have your way with him, and he’s not going to push you away. Because you’re not ugly, and he’s not complex.

So, I left it at that, for the time being.  She had to go over to the next club with her friends. I wonder if she’s going to win. Now that she knows the secret, I think she can. And well, loyal readers - I’ll keep you updated if she does.

Meantime, female readers, feel free to use this insight to have your way with someone you want.

It’s 2009. It’s okay for you to be that into him, or make the first move.

If you’re a feminist, think about it as equal rights. If you’re a classic passive type, think of it as trying something different that just might work.

It’s prime time for new relationships. It is October after all. The period before Christmas, before New Year, before Valentine’s, before Chinese New Year. It’s hookup season. Breakup season starts in March - quarter 2, after the novelty and pressure of Valentine’s is gone, after the festivities have passed.

Happy hunting, females of Kuala Lumpur. Displace some bitches for me, will ya? Cheers!