Sometimes when you look back and think of who you remember from your past, you start analyzing how it might have led you to the decisions you made, or the ones that you continue to make.

It kind of explains the ‘Korean hair’ I have. And why I’ve almost always dated older women so far. I’ve been deciding whether or not to write this for many months now, and I figured I should.

This is a story of my first love. Not my first girlfriend. When you grow up, you’ll understand that your first love and your first girlfriend are sometimes…different things with different people.

This is a story that I’ll share because I think it may be relevant to many people I know. Especially the part about what to do if someone pulls a gun on you. Yes, that’s in the story as well.

Here goes:

I was a young boy of 19. Early in my freelance career. Doing pretty well for my age. 2 years since graduating from high school. Still pretty skinny.

She was a woman of 26, fair, with long hair, big eyes and a round face, and a smile I’ll remember, with a calm demeanour and tone of voice that was very soothing. She liked Korean music & movies, and lived quite far from me. She seemed like the type who would make a good mother, with the curvaceous body type, the type that is optimal for child-bearing. I think I got too technical there. Let’s just say she had a hot figure. She may not have been the type that most would gawk at, but she was undoubtedly pretty sweet. The quiet type, but the kind that would open up with certain people. And that was a combination that worked quite well.

I remember her appreciating the little details about me, like my clothing & hair, the style I had developed at the time, the things I took pride in putting together.

We’re both Chinese, but she, more than me. As I don’t speak much Chinese. But we got along fine on English.

For the pupose of this story, let’s call her “Miss T”.

Meeting Miss T

We met at a big gathering for designers. I was a web designer then. It was at one of the designer’s houses far away. She wasn’t a designer, but she was a friend of one of them. Somehow, we talked and kept in touch often enough over the next few weeks. Enough to develop feelings for each other.

I loved it when she often sms-ed and called me at work because she missed me. It also helped that I wasn’t too busy at the time, it only being my second job ever.

Pause for thought break:

One thing I’ve learned over the past few years is that it doesn’t matter how much a lady, or woman is older than you, if she’s in love she’ll still act like an 18 year old. The good, happy, infatuated ‘I miss you lah dear’, calling you often kind of vibe.

Another thing I’ve learnt is that a woman in love with you, it doesn’t quite matter how you look. Your brain can rewire itself to adapt to what you find attractive.

There’s a scientific study that was done saying that people in love are blind to pretty faces, even ‘actually averting their eyes from attractive members of the opposite sex without even being aware they are doing it.’

For a point in time, I was probably her Korean movie star and the most handsome guy she knew. She did tell me something along those lines, several times.

“Fireworks”

One day, we went for a party. It was one of those elaborate, huge budget cigarette company parties. The kind they can’t do anymore because of increasing government restrictions in tobacco advertising and events.

I went with “Miss T”. I was quite happy she said yes. This was probably our first or second “real date.”

There were fireworks. Anggun Cipta Sasmi, Indonesian pop star was singing. The sofas were comfy. The alcohol was flowing. We were seated next to each other. And then “Miss T” asked me, unprompted. “Josh, why do you like me?”. I don’t remember what I said, but I know I told her the truth and I think we were both satisfied with the answer at the time.

On the way back, driving her home, she played with my hair throughout the trip as I drove, stroking the back of my head and running her fingers through my hair. I think I’ll always remember this. Ladies, let me tell you that this is probably one of the most significant ways you can turn a guy on. Especially if he’s proud of his hair. Years later, someone else did the same thing which brought back many memories.

That’s one of the parts I remember. Here’s another.

“Fight, F*** or Flee”

And here’s the story of what led me to my first kiss with her. And also my first time having a gun drawn on me.

We were at a dark area of Sunway. In the car, talking.

Suddenly, a motorcyle pulled up in front of my car, blocking it. With two policemen on it. This was like a kapchai, not the big motorcyle type. They both got down.

The ‘policeman’ tapped his gun several times on the window and asked us to get out of the car. The gun wasn’t pointed at me, but it he was tapping it at his side.

Keep in mind neither of us look Malay, and we weren’t doing ‘anything’. Just talking.

‘Miss T’ told me she was scared, and she didn’t think they were real cops. I thought so too, but my options were limited by the motorcycle in front of me, and a general fear of having a gun drawn on me in an isolated place.

I asked for his identity. He passed me a cheap laminated plastic thing through the small crack of the driver side window that I opened very partially.

By the way, I still have no idea what official police ID looks like in Malaysia. Is it supposed to look all official, in a leather wallet with a golden badge, like what you see in those American movies?

I dawned upon me that this guy policeman or not, has a gun, already drawn. I told him that I would pass him back his card (which I did), and then, I would come out of the car.

I quickly went into reverse to have enough turning space to avoid the motorcycle that was blocking my car.

And then I slammed the accelerator.

I can do 0-100 in 8 seconds in my car, but it wasn’t quite fast enough. The ‘policeman’ kicked the car twice as I drove off. My driver side mirror was cracked, and my door had a big dent from the kick. I drove off as fast as I could until I was sure that they couldn’t catch up.

My heart was beating and wouldn’t quite stop. I had to stop at 7-11 to get some water. Later on, I would recognize that this was the body’s natural response to fear and the effects of adrenaline. I thought I was having a heart attack.

Here’s more:

“A panic attack is a condition of adrenaline being released into your bloodstream. A message of fear sends a signal to the adrenal glands that there is an emergency.

The adrenal glands are pea-sized organs that sit on top of your kidneys. They are filled with adrenaline that, when released into your body, gives you heightened abilities to respond to emergency situations. This emergency response causes physical symptoms that many people misinterpret as a heart attack or other serious physical conditions. Misinterpreting these symptoms can cause the fear response to continue.”

Informative, isn’t it?

Thinking of the recent 15 year old that was shot by real policemen, I start to think that whether or not they were real cops didn’t quite matter. Something I should mention to all of you here is that if someone pulls a gun on you, run (and don’t let them know you’re going to run). The chances of hitting a moving target are quite slim beyond point blank range of 0-3 feet. Let’s hope you never have a chance to be in a situation to have to use that information.

After that, me and Miss T went back to my home. At that time, I lived with my parents. We kissed, and it led to more…but not as much as you would think.

Somewhere during the conversation, she made the interesting point of telling me that ”she was passive in relationships, but aggressive in bed.”‘

I think this was definitely one of the most extreme nights I ever had - to go from unadulterated panic and fear to the ecstasy of physical intimacy in one night.

Keep in mind I was pretty inexperienced in both at the time. I didn’t ‘lose it’ to her, but thinking back to how I eventually did ‘lose it’, I really wish I did.

We went out several more times after that.

At some point I said to her that although I liked her, I didn’t know how it was going to work out because of the age difference, and she should find a guy, get married and settle down - as that was what she wanted.

At some point she would tell me that she wasn’t really the age she was, so I didn’t have to worry about it. Which was a lie, but a lie because she wanted to be with me.

It went on a while, and got more complicated as time went by.

And, lastly, at some point, it was time for her to leave, away from me, away from the country. It was painful.

She got married in Hong Kong to what I hear, was a good man, and had a baby.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I were born earlier, and met her earlier.

Epilogue

On my 21st birthday, she called me from Hong Kong. She didn’t know it was my 21st birthday - I was at my birthday dinner at the time, so the timing was…too perfect to be coincedence. We talked. Caught up a while. It was a long distance call, so it wasn’t for very long.

She didn’t say it, but I got the feeling that this was the ‘proper goodbye’, like “Josh, you’re a man now, you’re 21.You can forget me and find someone else.” She didn’t say it, but it felt like it.

A year or two later, a I see a clip of her baby on Youtube, sent to me by a mutual friend. I decided to send her an e-mail to ask how she was. And she wrote back.

She asked me how I was, and most significantly if I had “found my angel yet”. I just…couldn’t reply her e-mail.

That’s my story.