He’s Just Not That Into You (But He’ll Like To Keep You Around Lah)
Sharing January 10th, 2009
Dear Assorted Young Women with Broken Hearts…
With Christmas and New Year celebrations done with, 2009 arriving, and the pressure of Valentine’s Day coming up…it’s breakup season!.
This has been a reoccurring theme lately, one that I’ve been hearing from the female perspective. Sometimes over a teh ais, late at the mamak. Sometimes over a sobbing phone call. Or a drive to what should be a happy club night out with friends. Or even over MSN. And these girls don’t even know each other.
For the benefit of the new blog readers, you may find this useful. Accumulated thoughts I’ve gathered based on this. Some of them helped.
So here’s the general situation of these poor girls:
Situation: Girl and Boy get together. Girl & boy are happy. Suddenly, Boy starts ignoring girl. Girl is confused and upset as to why Boy is ignoring her, not picking up her calls, and generally not being as caring as Boy used to.
A breakdown of Frequently Asked Questions (sometimes asked while crying, followed by ‘why?? why!?!’)
- Why won’t he pick up the phone?
- Am I trying hard enough?
- Why won’t he just tell me what he’s feeling?
- Why can’t he understand how I feel?
- Why is he still not picking up the phone?
- Why doesn’t he want me to meet his friends?
- Should I just call him and confront him about this?
- WHY IS HE STILL NOT PICKING UP!!??
I can theorize - there are only several possible reasons why this is happening:
- He’s got another girl, and he’ll like to keep you around.
- He doesn’t have another girl, but yet, somehow you are no longer good enough for him to even keep in touch with.
- Complexities in his life, that do not involve a third party person such as work or family prevent him from loving you like he did before.
- He is gay.
So…
1, 2 and 4 are pretty self explanatory. Which brings me to Option 3. What could possibly cause him to change? Career changes can affect how much time he has to spend with you as well as his immediate priorities. This reminds me of a story I heard sometime back. True story (or as true as the person I heard it from).
While the Boy in the story had the decency to let Girl know why he was breaking up with her, wait till you hear the reason:
Boy to Girl: I’m starting work at Starbucks…and I need to focus. Sorry I don’t think it can work out between us.
Keep in mind that this was not a management level position, he was set to be a barista. Yes, making coffee. I guess he honestly wanted to be the best barista he could be, to the exclusion of personal relationships (despite the non-demanding schedule accorded by this job, usually undertaken by students who have days or two between classes).
Other scenarios that might explain why he wants to break up:
- His family is racist: You are both Chinese. But he is Hokkien, and you are Hakka, and his parents can’t accept that.
- His family cannot accept him dating a non-virgin, in today’s day and age.
- His father forbids him to date you because her father is a bitter business rival with him, selling competing wood and wood by-products in the competitive timber industry.
- He just found out you are actually his sister.
- His mother is overprotective and cannot imagine him with another woman, thereby nags him ineccesantly.
- He notes your small hips and a flat chest, and has decided that you are not the best person to bear children for him as you lack ‘child bearing hips’ and a ‘nurturing bosom’
- His ex (who relocated to Australia) is back in town for a week with his love child, and the ex forbids him to see you. But after she leaves things can go back to normal as she will never come back again for some reason.
- He’s just really busy and dedicated to his entry level, lowly paid 9-5 office job!
The examples above were purposely chosen to demonstrate how unlikely it is. My apologies if some of them actually apply to your situation.
Have you heard of Occam’s Razor? Not a new shaving blade for a smoother shave, but rather, Occam’s Razor is a principle, and problem solving mental exercise that says ‘the simplest theory, is usually the correct one‘.
Think of it as a sharp razor, slicing its way cleanly through tough, hardened fibrous bullshit.
Truth: It’s very seldom work, or family, or friends for that matter. It’s almost always usually, another girl.
You’re willing to work at it. It doesn’t matter if you spend time at his place instead, or arrange around his schedule. You need to consider that even if you provide that convenience like the ‘good girlfriend’ you are, its not going to make him want to spend more time with you.
Very simple truth: Any time he does not spend with you, can be spent with someone else.
Just remember that with all the ‘hot and cold’ going on, assuming he can keep this up and you continue to react like you always do, he can keep you in infinite ’stasis’, on the shelf, and kept waiting for an indefinite period of time until he makes up his mind which girl he wants to be with. Which could not be you.
Which probably isn’t the best situation to be in lah, dear. Time to move on.
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Referred to your theory no.3, it`s a comment factor why men would suddenly change their feelings towards a women. It`s actually a proven facts, where men would have a personality changes should they have complexity in life. Have you ever heard a men facing a financial instability which leads to a unstable emotion. This facts is well proven in a relationship or in a family. What would a lady look into men this days? Is it love? Is it kindness? Is it maturity? Or is it Loyalty? If it`s a mature men, they would see why should we drag others along when we are unstable? Why not we let her lead her live for now instead of dragging her along in our misery. It is unfair and immature of thy men. There is a good story to share, this boy is dating a girl for awhile. He used to had a good pay month in month out but when he realize that what he is doing is not the one that he wants to do since things are getting really serious with the girl. So he decided to do things on his own, but then it does not go accordingly. So what happened at that time, emotion and mental instability he suffers which leads to a rocky relationship. Arguing, cursing, break ups, fights you name it they have been through plenty. And one point the girl is so fed up decided to leave the country since she won`t be getting a renewal for job and plan start a new life since everything is falling out of order. What was her reason for doing so? Maybe she is giving up or she is planning to moving on. But then they are back together, however the boy knows that if he asked the girl stay, he can`t even support he at all and plus for himself is still not enough since the economic is heading to a downfall. Was it fair for him to let her go? Or is it unfair for him since they are really into each other so much? Can they take it to be apart? The girl said she could but not the boy, he has his own reason whereby he would want to be with someone right in front of him not being apart. But as he speaks to people only one knock him right in the heart, which is ‘Everyone would be separated in the end, whether its temporary or permanent’ to think of it, it is true. The point here is when we are in a relationship or marriage they will be some sacrifices that we should do. If the other party knows really well what are they looking for in a relationship they will consider every possible option they have not leave. Rite? If number 3 occurs to be the reason, think again if it make senses to you, who ever you might be.. hehehe!! This is not being selfish, it is for the best because he`s really really into you..
God bless us all.
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nice article…. which is very true….guys will be guys, always~ haha!
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wow…Josh…have u been studying women lately?
LOL
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Don: I need time to process your comment. Interesting stuff.
Frankie: Yeahlor, but some are worse. Haha!
Lisa: Been hearing about the same situation from a lot of them…can’t help but learn. Hehe.
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Josh dude!i hope ur not reflecting on ur own personal analysis!haha..anyways, i’ll make it for paintball this sat. come visit me lah
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It has always been a “guy” thing,and most of them usually react the same way when their straying away.I guess some white lies told,are better than telling their girlfriends to their faces; i’ve found someone else,no?
Hahahaha.Josh,who inspired you lah!
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This post just makes me sad.
It’s really sad (not pathetic) the way girls react to the same thing time and time again, because of the various factors you just stated.
And it’s heartbreaking that there’s just nothing you can do about it. Just deal with it and get over it. Haha.
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EVo: No, I don’t date guys! Haha. See you at paintball!
missycheerio: It’s not a ‘guy’ thing…girls also tell white lies what.
Personally I think its a lot better to tell her why it went wrong instead of leaving it hanging, you know?
pandaaaaaaa: My thoughts exactly. Its not just one of them, its a few. And they are are not all young and inexperienced, which makes it even more sad. Most think there’s nothing that can be done about it la, but its sad that some can’t just start dating again…you know, like can’t even take the first step?
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and wait til i come up with the girl antidote to this!
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You reminds me about Valentine’s day. Time to think about what to buy for my girlfriend and where to celebrate the day.
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[...] Google (Ireland): ‘if he wants you he’ll come after you’. Generally that is true, but honey, I’m sorry, it doesn’t really work that way all the time. And I’m not sure how it goes over there in Ireland, because, did you know, in Korea, the girls buy chocolates for the guys on ‘White Day?‘. Make it easy for him, go find him in the local pub while he’s having a pint of Guinness. Have one (or 7) yourself too, it’ll make things easier. But seriously, only the very shyest of guys would make no move at all. Just make sure you have your eye open for the signs that he likes you, and pay attention to the little details in communication. Google: ‘why do guys keep you around’. I think I’ve answered it in this post, He’s Not That Into You (But He’ll Like To Keep You Around Lah). [...]